It is the morning of your big presentation at work. The one you have been working on for weeks. You stayed up late last night making last minute adjustments, and you are taking deep breaths to steady yourself before heading out. Your partner races into the kitchen to grab a coffee and waves goodbye without a word of encouragement.
You interpret her action as:
A. A power play to show she doesn’t care about you and what is important to you
B. Clear evidence of her lack of capacity to be a supportive partner
C. Proof your mother was right
D. Hurtful, but probably having more to do with her boss cracking down on lateness than on your relationship
If you answered D (or something like it), congratulations! You displayed something called “positive sentiment override”. In the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, this is defined as the ability to put a positive spin on a partner’s actions, or not taking negative events so personally.
If choices A through C call to you, you are not alone.
Partnerships, by definition, involve merging the lives of individuals with different needs and desires, and often different communication styles. There is so much room for interpretation of intent in daily interactions. A common struggle that couples face is when one or both partners enter negative sentiment override (NSO), where neutral actions are seen as negative, negative actions are seen as a reflection on the relationship as a whole, and positive interactions are largely ignored. And that is when forgetting to say “good luck” becomes a much bigger deal.
How can this pattern be altered?
The classic cognitive restructuring approach would be to challenge the thought patterns directly. Identify negative thoughts, look for evidence for and against them, and then create new helpful thoughts based on the evidence gathered. Repeat until a mindset change occurs.
The Gottman approach suggests differently. NSO is seen as a symptom of a breakdown in a couple’s friendship and connection. The couple has started to view each other as rivals, rather than teammates. Therefore, instead of directly targeting the negative perspective, the solution is to build up a couple’s “Fondness and Admiration System.” As their emotional connection and friendship increases, giving each other the benefit of the doubt will be a natural byproduct.
Here are two practical ways to start building friendship and connection in relationships:
1) Build Love Maps
Building Love Maps is simply learning more about each other through open-ended questions. What was your partner’s favorite childhood vacation? Who is her least favorite relative? What is his favorite tree? (You might be surprised to find out he has one!) Learning these answers helps to create a mental map of your partner. Create some time to sit together and ask each other questions. Allow time for each partner to explain their answers. This can be turned into a (non-competitive!) game. There are great online resources to help thinking of interesting questions to ask.
2) Have Stress-Reducing Conversations
Make the relationship a safe place to discuss a stressor that is external to the relationship (for example, a boss who is a stickler for timeliness). During a stress-reducing conversation, one partner acts as the listener and one as the speaker. The listener’s job is to show interest, empathize, and most importantly, be on the speaker’s side. This is not the time to point out how the boss has a point and how it might help if your partner did not hit snooze three times each morning. The conversation is stress-reducing when it increases the feeling of being on the same team and when empathy and genuine understanding precede advice-giving.
These are just two potential ways to strengthen mutual fondness and admiration. The main idea is to invest in the friendship aspect of your relationship. Misunderstandings happen. But if you add to the emotional connection bucket, it will be that much easier to view each other in a positive light when they do.
Very well written and insightful!